Last night I dreamt you ordered a pepperoni pizza. It came with seven garlic dips. Me: Why do we need seven garlic dips? You: Because I like garlic dips. And I don’t think this is going to be enough. I’m going to order more. Me: More? You: Yes. I like dipping my pizza in garlic. I think 777 should do it. Me: You’ve lost it. You’re going to order 777 garlic dips? You’re not even going to eat the seven we’ve got here. You: Chill out, Tom. I’ll pay for it. Me: Okay, but you have to get the delivery man back and explain to him why you want 777 dips. You stuck your head out the window and called him back. Then there was a pecking at the door. You opened it and the same delivery man was there but this time he was sat on an ostrich. You: I’d like to order 777 garlic dips please. Me: I’m so sorry she’s placing such a big order. Delivery man: That’s okay. I get it all the time. That’s why I brought the ostrich. Me: Right. Well, is it possible to order all these garlic dips? Delivery man: Anything is possible. Me: Great! How long will it take? Delivery man: That’s where Belinda comes in. Me: Who’s Belinda? Ostrich: I’m Belinda. I turned to you. Me: The ostrich talks. You: All ostriches talk. Me: I expect she lays garlic dips as well. You: Why else would the delivery man be riding an ostrich? You’re so slow sometimes. Belinda: I’m so sorry to interrupt but it’s already been a long night. As soon as this man gets off my back, I’ll ask that you lead me to your garlic dip laying room. You: Of course. Follow me. Me: We have a garlic dip laying room? You: Where else is Belinda going to lay them? Honestly, Tom! Do you have this sort of problem at home, Belinda? Belinda: Don’t get me started on men.
Samsa was now a human. He’d recently become a human after his architect decided to put a human heart in him and give him feelings. The five litres of blood that now pumped around his body warmed him up. It made for incredible nose bleeds, spasms, cramps and bruising, to name o nly a small fraction of the symptoms, but his architect assured him that it would all be worth it and that he'd feel normal very soon. He didn't know what normal was, but he knew it wasn't puking and shitting and bleeding all over the place for the first two months and then just feeling terrible for several weeks after that. Human life is agony, he thought, but he trusted the process. One day, a little over twelve weeks after the operation, he woke up from his first good night's sleep and was able to open the curtains without the light splitting his skull in two. Samsa had known Shabeezi before she became a human woman. All they had done was fight. Samsa especially liked doing flying
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