Last night I dreamt you ordered a pepperoni pizza. It came with seven garlic dips. Me: Why do we need seven garlic dips? You: Because I like garlic dips. And I don’t think this is going to be enough. I’m going to order more. Me: More? You: Yes. I like dipping my pizza in garlic. I think 777 should do it. Me: You’ve lost it. You’re going to order 777 garlic dips? You’re not even going to eat the seven we’ve got here. You: Chill out, Tom. I’ll pay for it. Me: Okay, but you have to get the delivery man back and explain to him why you want 777 dips. You stuck your head out the window and called him back. Then there was a pecking at the door. You opened it and the same delivery man was there but this time he was sat on an ostrich. You: I’d like to order 777 garlic dips please. Me: I’m so sorry she’s placing such a big order. Delivery man: That’s okay. I get it all the time. That’s why I brought the ostrich. Me: Right. Well, is it possible to order all these garlic dips? Delivery man: Anything is possible. Me: Great! How long will it take? Delivery man: That’s where Belinda comes in. Me: Who’s Belinda? Ostrich: I’m Belinda. I turned to you. Me: The ostrich talks. You: All ostriches talk. Me: I expect she lays garlic dips as well. You: Why else would the delivery man be riding an ostrich? You’re so slow sometimes. Belinda: I’m so sorry to interrupt but it’s already been a long night. As soon as this man gets off my back, I’ll ask that you lead me to your garlic dip laying room. You: Of course. Follow me. Me: We have a garlic dip laying room? You: Where else is Belinda going to lay them? Honestly, Tom! Do you have this sort of problem at home, Belinda? Belinda: Don’t get me started on men.
I’ve called him Mr Pebble Pockets because if I don’t make a joke out of it I’ll cry. It was about 10:30pm, I’d just got back to the boat from a late shift and I was waiting for my Deliveroo. He was standing a little further down the towpath and staring at the water. The night was clear and crisp and there was enough moonlight to see the shape of him: he was tall, late twenties and had a powerful sporty look to him. He wasn’t crying, but he was shaking and he stood crooked. Well, it doesn’t take a genius, does it? I only came out to wait for a bloody curry. Mother Florence bloody Teresa Nightingale springing into action, hungry and as tired as fuck and now having to stop this guy from jumping into the canal with an anchor for a coat. I know now that the best thing to do was offer him a cigarette. I don’t know why I didn’t. I had the packet and the lighter in my hand. ‘Excuse me,’ I said. ‘Ar...
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