Letter to MGM Grand Regarding Floyd Mayweather Jr vs. Manny Pacquiao
Director of Hospitality
MGM Grand Hotel & Casino
3799 South Las Vegas Boulevard
Re: Complimentary VIP Tickets - Floyd Mayweather Jr vs. Manny Pacquiao
Greetings from England. I hope business is as good in Las Vegas as it is here in Gloucester. Our city has a lot in common with yours - not only do we have a casino, but we also have numerous hotels, a multiplex cinema, a twenty-six lane bowling alley and a Mecca Bingo. We are also very similar geologically - while your city is next to The Nevada Desert, ours borders The Forest of Dean. If you don’t know it, ask Harrison Ford. Or Harry Potter. And while your city may be a magnet to international superstars, Gloucester has a cathedral, which means we host God. And God trumps everyone - even Elton John (who, I might add, is visiting in June).
Many of our younger residents celebrate this wonderful city on a weekly basis, most notably by drinking lager, gin and Jägerbombs before falling down the stairs in Wetherspoons and other fine drinking establishments. And they are so passionate about reinforcing this point that they will get back up and do it again. We collectively refer to our great city as “Glos Vegas” because it’s like Las Vegas but without the horrendous electricity bill and gambling addiction.
However, credit where credit’s due: you do know how to host a fight. Even GL1, our own spectacular sports venue, would be hard-pressed to match the glitz and glamour of a world title fight, which leads me to the reason for my letter.
It has been brought to my attention that on 2 May 2015, you will be hosting what has been described as "The Fight of the Century" between Mr Mayweather Jr and Mr Pacquiao. I am also aware that it is the hottest ticket in town (hotter, I daresay, than The Super Furry Animals’ upcoming gig at Gloucester Guildhall) with tickets selling out in a matter of minutes.
On account of the fight’s sell-out status and the scarcity of tickets now available below $50,000 per seat, I’m afraid that my attendance at your event can only be secured through the MGM Grand's complimentary VIP ticket allocation. I’m sure you are greatly relieved to learn that my entourage is a modest one - consisting only of fifteen people, two dogs, one cat, a parrot and a life-size human skeleton we've named Malcolm.
I’ve taken a vote and you’ll also be pleased to learn that none of us would be particularly offended if we’re not sat among royalty, Oscar winners and/or former multi-weight world champions, but we must insist upon two things: that we are not bothered by Kayne West and that we are sat at least two rows away from Donald Trump so that Percy (our parrot) isn’t tempted to grab and fly off with his wig.
I should also mention that first class plane travel, food, pet-friendly accommodation, spending money, a personal assistant, $10,000 each in casino chips, a free bar, a chauffeur, a limousine and dancing girls should also be compliments of MGM Grand Hotel & Casino.
Your generous hospitality will be fully acknowledged and returned in kind upon your arrival into Gloucester, the details of which will be fully disclosed upon our safe return.
Visas have been granted and passports are in hand. Please forward details of our flight and stay so that the necessary arrangements can be made.