Skip to main content

Letter to MGM Grand Regarding Floyd Mayweather Jr vs. Manny Pacquiao

Director of Hospitality 
MGM Grand Hotel & Casino 
3799 South Las Vegas Boulevard 
Las Vegas
NV 89109
United States

Dear Sir/Madam, 

Re: Complimentary VIP Tickets - Floyd Mayweather Jr vs. Manny Pacquiao

Greetings from England.  I hope business is as good in Las Vegas as it is here in Gloucester.  Our city has a lot in common with yours  - not only do we have a casino, but we also have numerous hotels, a multiplex cinema, a twenty-six lane bowling alley and a Mecca Bingo.  We are also very similar geologically - while your city is next to The Nevada Desert, ours borders The Forest of Dean.  If you don’t know it, ask Harrison Ford.  Or Harry Potter.  And while your city may be a magnet to international superstars, Gloucester has a cathedral, which means we host God.  And God trumps everyone - even Elton John (who, I might add, is visiting in June).  

Many of our younger residents celebrate this wonderful city on a weekly basis, most notably by drinking lager, gin and Jägerbombs before falling down the stairs in Wetherspoons and other fine drinking establishments.  And they are so passionate about reinforcing this point that they will get back up and do it again.  We collectively refer to our great city as “Glos Vegas” because it’s like Las Vegas but without the horrendous electricity bill and gambling addiction. 

However, credit where credit’s due: you do know how to host a fight.  Even GL1, our own spectacular sports venue, would be hard-pressed to match the glitz and glamour of a world title fight, which leads me to the reason for my letter.  

It has been brought to my attention that on 2 May 2015, you will be hosting what has been described as "The Fight of the Century" between Mr Mayweather Jr and Mr Pacquiao.  I am also aware that it is the hottest ticket in town (hotter, I daresay, than The Super Furry Animals’ upcoming gig at Gloucester Guildhall) with tickets selling out in a matter of minutes.  

On account of the fight’s sell-out status and the scarcity of tickets now available below $50,000 per seat, I’m afraid that my attendance at your event can only be secured through the MGM Grand's complimentary VIP ticket allocation.  I’m sure you are greatly relieved to learn that my entourage is a modest one - consisting only of fifteen people, two dogs, one cat, a parrot and a life-size human skeleton we've named Malcolm.    

I’ve taken a vote and you’ll also be pleased to learn that none of us would be particularly offended if we’re not sat among royalty, Oscar winners and/or former multi-weight world champions, but we must insist upon two things: that we are not bothered by Kayne West and that we are sat at least two rows away from Donald Trump so that Percy (our parrot) isn’t tempted to grab and fly off with his wig.

I should also mention that first class plane travel, food, pet-friendly accommodation, spending money, a personal assistant, $10,000 each in casino chips, a free bar, a chauffeur, a limousine and dancing girls should also be compliments of MGM Grand Hotel & Casino.  

Your generous hospitality will be fully acknowledged and returned in kind upon your arrival into Gloucester, the details of which will be fully disclosed upon our safe return.  

Visas have been granted and passports are in hand.  Please forward details of our flight and stay so that the necessary arrangements can be made. 

Yours Faithfully,

Thomas Wiggins


Popular posts from this blog

An Expert Analysis of Michael Fassbender's Running Style From the Film 'Shame'

Tom Wiggins: What are your first impressions of Michael Fassbender/Brandon's running style? Paul Whittaker: He's running nice, smooth and relaxed. He seems like he has a good amount of fitness and he is running well within himself in terms of pace.   TW: What improvements could he make to his running style? PW: The main improvement I'd make is his foot plant.  He lands heel first and this causes a 'breaking' effect when travelling forwards.  If he landed on his mid-foot/forefoot, this would be a much better for impact stress and propulsion going forward into the next running stride. TW: Regarding his speed, how many minutes per mile is he running? PW: I would say he is running approx 7-7.30 minutes per mile. TW:  What do you make of his stride lengths?  Is he overstriding/understriding? PW: The actor is definitely overstriding in this clip.  It would help if his feet landed underneath and below his centre of gravity. TW: What's his posture like? PW: A slight forward le…

The Diary of an Apprentice Letter Carver

I qualified as a stonemason last July and completed an incredibly enjoyable and memorable stonemasonry apprenticeship with The Prince's Foundation for Building Community in which I made so many friends and worked on so many historic buildings.  During that time, I had a two-week letter carving placement with Bernard Johnson, a very talented and friendly letter carver based in Oxfordshire.  It was with him that I picked up the bug for letter carving and realised that I didn't want to do anything else.  He didn't have an apprentice opportunities at that time, but pointed me in the direction of Fergus Wessel, another letter carver in Oxfordshire.  I went to visit  Fergus at his Stonecutters workshop and after a week's trial, he was able to offer me a four-year apprenticeship.  I am both incredibly lucky to have been given the chance of being his new apprentice, not least because he himself was trained at the prestigious Kindersley Studio.  A diary of my experience as an a…

Lyrics, Lyrics, Lyrics! Ten Examples of Songwriting Genius!

I like music.

I like music and lyrics.

I like music and lyrics that make me go wow-wee!

I like music and lyrics that make me go wow-wee and cor blimey!

I like music and lyrics that make me go wow-wee and cor blimey and here are ten examples that do just that.

1.   Best Kept Secret - Laura Veirs

I never fail to be touched by these lyrics.  You can tell in Veirs' voice that it's real and beautifully, beautifully true.

December, I was lost in a darkness I couldn't shake,  Called you in California and you answered right away,  You answered right away,  You picked up right away. 

2.  Boyfriend - Marika Hackman 
A line that's perfectly delivered.  Sound and meaning in perfect synchronicity.  
You came to me for entropy and I gave you all I had. 

3.  K. - Cigarettes After Sex
A modern-day love song.  I'm always drawn to narratives in music and I love listening to a song with a strong sense of place.  This one ticks both of those boxes.  It also sounds beautiful.  
I remember whe…