The High-Risk Weight Loss Programme

Step 1: Creating a Distraction

Drive your car into a neighbour’s house,
Apply a pillow to your sleeping spouse.

Super glue your lips together,
Fix the aerial in windy weather.

Light a Cuban at the pumps,
Give a lion the birthday bumps.

Smuggle drugs through North Korea,
Catch explosive diarrhoea.

Drink your weight in anti-freeze,
Eat a thousand angry bees.

Confuse a landmine with a stepping stone,
Go to a gangster for a mortgage loan.

Crash a bullfight in a red balaclava,
Take the high-dive into molten lava.

Accept a lift from a suicide bomber,
Kidnap the Queen during the birthday honours.

Participate in an avalanche,
Swing from an oak tree’s highest branch.

Ignore the call from Camelot,
Play your part in a shifty plot.

Follow these steps to the letter,
And you ought to feel so much better.

If all goes well, you should be thin,
Or otherwise in the loony bin!


Those who make the slightest blunder, 
Have found themselves six feet under.


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