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Showing posts from January, 2013

The Tarantino Vows

Repeat after me.


Not yet, stupid.  Repeat after me: I solemnly swear. 

"I solemnly mother f***ing swear."


"I solemnly swear."

That from this day forwards.

"That from this day forwards."

I will watch every Quentin Tarantino film at the cinema.

"Excluding Deathproof."


"Excluding Death Proof.  I thought it'd be rubbish.  And I didn't want to watch the other one.  

Okay.  Repeat after me: I will watch every Quentin Tarantino film apart from Death Proof at the cinema as long as I shall live. 

"| do."


"I will watch every Quentin Tarantino film apart from Death Proof - because I thought it was going to be a bit rubbish and I read in a review that Planet Terror was shit - as long as I shall live." 

Till Death Proof and Planet Terror do part. 

"Till Death Proof and Planet Terror do part." 

You may now kill the bride.

"Thank you, vicar.  I'd just like to say a few words: [Clears throat]…

The Gift of Shower Gel, Christmas Eve 1997

As a kid, I knew all-too well its weight, its shape, my welling
disappointment.  It's ushered into my hands by aunt; uncle
typically backgrounded, nodding with false involvement.
It’s a football! someone shouts, No! It’s an upright piano.

I play along, guessing Ladder, feel my blood vessels pinching at
the sides of my mouth.  All is not lost.  I shake it - it could still be
a G-con 45.  If I squint hard enough, I can imagine the utopia of
Destruction Derby 2. I begin to open the lifeless, unholy trinity

of Shower Gel, Body Spray, Post Shave Balm.  Give me
anything.  Give me the anonymous metal hexagon
of Quality Streets, or ironic socks, or last year’s Now 35 -
would kiss two cheeks twice for a calculator watch.

Gabriel Manfred Aris (b. 25 March 1925 d. 30 January 2000)

In the car it crept up on                             me smarted  like the pang of mortality.  
Did Granddad leave                 a note?     I wanted to ask.
But I could taste the pause bitter  rolled it around on my tongue                                waited
as long as that ferry                                crossing                                    at 15 from the Hook of Holland  to Harwich.